I sobbed uncontrollably as I sat in the car next to my husband. Something was wrong. I knew in my heart that something was wrong.
A week ago, we had unexpectedly discovered I was pregnant. We were ecstatic, and immediately began planning the pragmatics and logistics. How was the budget going to work so I could stay at home? How far along would my husband be in his Master’s degree? Co-sleeping, yes or no? Do we want to breastfeed? Cloth diapering or disposables? I began using any free time to work on a baby registry, excitedly planning how we would care for our precious baby.
But that Wednesday, my heart sank as I began to feel that something was wrong. Looking back, if I had called my obstetrician before going to the emergency room, I think the doctor would have told me everything was probably fine and to make an appointment for later. I am not sure that Alex even believed that anything was truly wrong until 5 hours later, when after blood work, an ultrasound, and some other tests, the doctor told us that, the doctor told us that we had most likely lost the baby. I then had several follwiow-up appointments with the obstetrician that confirmed my fears.
Over the next few weeks, I boomeranged from indescribable sadness to emotional shutdown. My heart still aches in some of the deepest parts over my loss. However, in that time period, God reminded me of several truths:
- His faithfulness–For me, it felt helpful to name the baby, although it was far too soon to know gender. I chose the name Moriah, the mountain on which Abraham was asked to sacrifice Isaac (Genesis 22:2). Abraham did not understand, but he chose to trust God. God followed through, eventually bringing about redemption for everyone through Abraham’s lineage.
- Heaven–There will be a day with no more tears (Revelation 21:4). From my perspective, it feels as if my baby is lost, or gone. However, we know that Moriah sits with Jesus right now, and because of his atonement, I, too, will join Moriah with him. This side of eternity is often painful and hard, but I clung to the hope of eternally being face-to-face with my Creator in a place unmarred by sin.
- His continual working for my good–My heart resonated with Naomi, who said, “Don’t call me Naomi (pleasant); call me Mara (bitter), for the Lord has dealt very bitterly with me” (Ruth 1:20). God redeemed that situation and brought about a means of provision for Ruth and Naomi, as well as, ultimately, a Savior.
- Yet he does not CAUSE hurtful things, but he does redeem them–The emergency room nurse, in an attempt to comfort us, told us that all things happen for a reason. She was genuinely trying to help, but her words were neither comforting nor true. First of all, God did not kill Moriah. Moriah died because we live in a fallen world. Suggesting that the Lord directly caused his death is extremely painful. Also, the Bible tells us that God works all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). He tells Jeremiah, right before the painful reality of exile, that he has a plan to prosper his people, not to harm them (Jeremiah 29:11). In the midst of exile, God sends Esther to save God’s people, he saves Moses from infanticide and uses Moses the murderer to lead Israel out of slavery, he uses a jailed Joseph to save Egypt and Israel and his sons. In the words of Joseph to his brothers, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today” (Genesis 50:20). While God did not sell Joseph into slavery, and he caught every tear that Joseph cried (Psalm 56:8), he used what his brothers intended to harm him and redeemed that painful situation, because of his grace.
Heavenly Daddy, you are infinitely gracious. You know my heart, and you see how hurt and broken I feel because of the loss of my precious baby Moriah. I pray that your Truth will ring constant in my mind, and that I will run to you to find healing and restoration. Deepen my trust in you. In your Son Jesus’ name I pray, amen.